http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/recent.aspx Think:Kids Home - Recent Posts en-us http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Jitbit AspNetForum Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:42:03 GMT Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:42:03 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=121
I've prepared a new Family Book folder and loaded it with a weekly meeting agenda, suggested family rules and family mission statement, added your notes from below as applicable and now will wait for the miracle worker to assist us with this. DD will believe the rules to be more valid if another person assists. It's hard to explain, but she still thinks I can fix anything but somehow at the same time mistrusts my attempts to do so sometimes - or at least I think she does - she's been in foster care for 10 months now (she spent weekends with me until April).

At the back of the Family Book are my other tools: lists of fun things to do together - from going for bike rides to visiting an art gallery and everything in between; the Think:Kids printouts - Thinking Skills Reference, etc; a printout from the Foundation for Children with Behavioural Challenges - Caregiver Handout - this sums up CPS; printouts from Dr Greene's site; EFT summary sheet; Social Skills Checklist; Age-Appropriate Chore Lists for Kids (from www.freepintablebehaviourcharts.com) - a guide for me; and a A Sleep Cheat Sheet.

What's your opinion on this. Children's Services insisted that I stop allowing dd to wear DryNites pajama pants. She was very angry about this at first but has adjusted. The longest she has gone dry at night in a row is about two weeks - the reward for doing so from her current foster home was a new pair of boots. ( She's getting lots of gifts there by the way - but then the foster dad's dad is best friends with dd's paternal grandfather. The family are Children's Services approved carers but she is their first foster child. Wow - can't get much more non-arm's-length connection than that!). I would like to allow her to wear them if she wants to when she returns to my care. I'm pretty sure Children's Services were trying to prove the bedwetting was linked to sexual abuse - unfounded of course - what a waste of time. DD is a very deep sleeper and combined with past chronic constipation and undue pressure from her father to be dry were the main problems. She's not particularly embarrassed about it when she's with me as I don't make a fuss about it. Sighs.

Ok, well I guess that's enough from me at the moment.

Thank you for caring (to everyone)
Angela]]> Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:42:03 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=134 Tue, 07 Sep 2010 14:46:36 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=66 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:04:35 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=118 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:03:00 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=60 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 18:53:52 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=97 Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:19:08 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=132 adult concrete, black and white thinkers? I think this is what the old adage "ya can't change stupid" alludes to. But we know now that "you can teach an old dog new tricks." I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not a concrete, black and white thinker ... but maybe I am and I just think I'm not??? Should there be a Think:Adults website?]]> Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:28:15 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=133 Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:11:04 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=126 Thu, 02 Sep 2010 02:49:30 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=26 Happy Trails!!!]]> Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:32:46 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=47 Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:08:31 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=133 Wed, 01 Sep 2010 08:50:37 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=66 Hi all! I live in the central east coast sec of florida and wonder if anyone knows of a support group in this area? Indian River County, Fl??]]> Sun, 29 Aug 2010 08:39:38 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=126
edited by Angela Church on 8/29/2010]]> Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:53:42 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=128 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:52:18 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=127 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:50:29 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=124 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:47:24 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=131 Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:42:52 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=60 Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:06:23 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=60 Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:29:14 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=132 Concrete , black and white thinkers have diffilcuty in taking perspectives , and appreciating that others may think and feel differently . The art of converation is in the listening and more important the ability to ask questions. Asking questions is what dialog and conversation is about , asking questions is what problem solving is about.

There seem to be a lot of resources on the web on how to start conversations and have conversations - google you tube , maybe also aspergers starting conversations.

We often start conversations by noticing something about the other person and then asking a question . Conversations are a process of discovery . In conversations the idea is to say something and then end of with a question - you can play a game .

The CPS process is good for conversations - asking questions , clarifying concerns, perspectives , feeling, perceptions, putting concerns along side each other to define the problem, invitations - invitation to brainstorming solutions, asking about the viability of solutions - possible obstacles in the way . When we do CPS , we need detail - what , when , with who, over what , where etc - these are questions we need in conversation

For conversations we need - especially lanuage processing skills, social skills and cognitive flexibility besides the others.

Kids also need to feel that their views are important and have something of value to say and contribute to a discussion . if a kid has a special interest or hobby
he feels confident that he has something to share.

When we work with CPS , we need to see the lacking skills in terms of unsolved problems and the concerns of the child.

Allan http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com]]> Mon, 23 Aug 2010 12:50:17 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=132
My fourteen year old child fits all the criteria for a concrete, detail oriented, black and white thinker. Somewhere I read that these children can have difficulty starting a conversation. Does anyone know why and have any suggestions? He can talk fine if you ask him a specific question, but he does not have the skills for general chit chat. THank you.

Catherine]]> Mon, 23 Aug 2010 08:59:42 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=130
You can do CPS with your dd2. Focus on her concerns , not comparisions. Your dd1 at the moment isn't a happy child at home , she looks as if she is struggling. If she had broken her leg or had a disability or any other challenge she would need plenty of help and attention. Fair does not mean equal , it means that everybody getting their needs met. Maybe you can find sometime to compensate , one on one or maybe a mentor , older sister for her. Try to keep them apart , sleep overs even during the week etc and supervised. You can give dd2 some words to deal with dd1. " I want to be friends with you and be of a help , but I find it difficult when I am being screamed at or being bossed around , can we try to be friends ?

Just something about dd1 - when we have discussions , even over general stuff , we want to help the child , get into touch with her inner core values , the type of person she would like to be , her goals for herself etc rather than seeing her self as a reaction to her parents or sister

it is not easy - the more positive connecting moments , and she feels good with her self - she needs to focus on activities that she finds intrinsically satisfying , maybe some hobby , club , charity etc she will open up and be able to see other perspectives and concerns and solve problems.

Allan http://allankatz-parentingislearning.com]]> Sat, 21 Aug 2010 15:17:28 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=131
As far as a coach or therapy - it must appear that you need help in becomming a better parent , not that the kid is the problem and you need help.

I would concentrate on chatting and connecting on non-emotive stuff

go through the thinking skills inventory , put them into the context of unsolved problems and try to come up with tentative concerns your dd - dear daughter is having and think of creative solutions

letters - are a great way of communicating , takes away the pressure for both sides

Imho the way to go is to first try and relax the atmosphere in the home, more music , fun , dance and most important chatting and connecting on general stuff , non-emotive issues. Talk to her like a friend or a 25 yo daughter , consult with her , get her perspectives, share yours , transcendance - turn activities into a learning situation. I reently shared a story with some friends - a mom and kid where arguing over whether to invite a young boy to his Bar Mitvah party. The son said he is not coming and the mother said - he has to come. I asked them to explain what was bothering them , their concerns - the son said the kid was wild and would disrupt the party , the mother said - she had to invite the whole family and could not tell them to leave the boy at home. I suggested that they brain storm and try to come up with a mutually satisfying solutions - the idea was to get some supervision for the boy or someone who would play with him etc. The daughter of my friends thought this was a great way to solve problems and suggested to her dad that they should use this approach. It is learning to trust the process and getting the skills. Mentors , older sisters are great to learn the process - perspective taking.

We could write a letter baically doing CPS on why she does not want to talk - ' I want to be a better mom and meet her needs and concerns , but I cannot do it if I don't get input from you'

' I have noticed that when I want to have a conversation with you, you are not so keen , what's up ?

we can use short yes/no questions and then expand intoa conversation or longer answers.

I was thinking - maybe you feel I will try to force you to do something that you don't want to do ?
maybe you feel I am a nag and you are trying to get me off your back ?
Do you think your sister is a bother - how ?
do you like me as mother
what do you like/ don't like about me ?
would you rather talk to me about things that bother you

CPS is a process , takes time - (kids that do well often suffer from perfectionism and feel pressured by their parents expectations ) if we can get her to open up on non-emotive stuff , teach her the process using other peoples problems and experience - focusing on concerns and then brainstorming - it will be easier when she is ready for the more emotive stuff , so let's focus on the relationship.

Please feel free to share specific problems , be detailed as possible - when , where, with who , over what etc

hang in there - we need to nurture ourselves in order to cope better , be a source of joy and give her the feeling that we uncoditionally love and accept her

Allan http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com
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edited by Allan on 8/21/2010]]> Sat, 21 Aug 2010 14:50:44 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=131 Sat, 21 Aug 2010 00:56:08 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=130 9 year old daughter, bullies, screams, fights, bosses - usurps all our family energy. Working with great hope that this model will help but wondering if anyone can suggest tools for protecting, her younger sister from this undeserved mayhem. She rightfully inquiries why "she" (the older sister) always gets the attention and her own way.]]> Sat, 21 Aug 2010 00:50:01 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=129 Sat, 21 Aug 2010 00:13:25 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=126
There is plenty of resources on the Thinkkids site

see my blog links and videos

http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2010/07/children-do-well-if-they-can.html

http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2010/08/cps-videos.html


so here is some Plan B - collaborative problem solving for our kid see http://thinkkids.org/docs/Plan%20B%20Cheat%20Sheet.pdf

1 Pro-active out of the moment , good venue maybe over a treat , first connect entering the kid's world , he feels connected to you , loved , throw in some hugs, he feels good about himself

2 The empathy + reassurance stage = information gathering trying to help your child get his concerns on the table

lead with a neutral statement - M - I have noticed that the holidays have been pretty boring for you , what's up ?

K - I don't like to play with friends

M- reflective listening - you don't like to play with friends

K- yah

M- reassurance - I am not saying you have to go and play with friends - I just wondered if you tell me more , what's it about friends that you don't like ?

K - I don't know

M- drilling down for concerns - 1 ask the with whom, over what , when , where , why questions focusing on details of dates with friends etc - questions must be specific
detailed and clear , t general
2 - have prepared in advance of this conversation - many possible hypotheses or tentative suggestions of possible concerns

3 sometimes it is better to start with yes/no questions and then move to open ended ones - how do you feel, - you may need to provide your kid

with the vocab , or make the tentative suggestion and end with the question, do you agree , is what I am saying make sense to you

4 once we have a concern , it does not mean that there can be others , so we drill down for more

5 - we then restate his concerns and end with the question - do I get it right etc we are looking for confirmation , a yes answer

Define the problem - Putting parents concerns on the table - The thing is or I am worried if you don't play with friends ...........

Invitation to brainstorm solutions - I was wondering if we could find a way that will ........- mention your son's concerns first and then your concerns

check the viability of solutions , possible obstacles etc

Agree to come back to the review how things are going , maybe we need to find a better plan or the concerns were not accurate

I hope this helps
Allan]]> Fri, 20 Aug 2010 01:20:30 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=126 Can someone tell me what the Plan B approach is? I am brand new here, so I have alot of catching up to do. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers just two months ago, and we are having a very frustrating time trying to get him the services that I know he needs. The whole summer was a wash, and now back to school and all the social problems will be starting up again. If anyone has any suggestions, please, please let me know? Thank you very much!

patsmom]]> Thu, 19 Aug 2010 23:36:49 GMT http://www.thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=128 I am looking for a group or program for my 14 year old recently diagnosed Asperger son; does anyone know any in the Enfield, CT area? Thank you!!! Have not been able to find anything that is right for his needs.
He really needs help to get through middle school and then, high school, too.

patsmom]]> Thu, 19 Aug 2010 23:21:55 GMT